She

I had a strange recurring dream last year.

In that dream, I reached home in a lazy evening. The moment I crossed the threshold of my house, a young woman in a crushed flower dress appeared before me out of nowhere and gave me a hug. I put my arms around her and kissed her cheek in response. I did not know who she was but found myself drawn to her in spirit. I could feel the warmth of her touch and smelled the light floral scent from her slim body.Not long after I heard children voices ringing around us. We were surrounded by three to four kids of six to eight years old. I stroked the soft hair on their heads and lifted up a girl in my arms like a father.Soft, fuzzy light moved like an undulating stream among us and my heart was flooded by an overwhelming sense of peace.

I always laughed off the dream as something daft and illogical. I had never thought I was cut out for marriage life. I cloistered my heart with impregnable walls of reserve and it was not easy for others to penetrate into my inner world.

The woman in my repeated dreams had an oval face. She was no great beauty but pleasing to look at. Her slanted eyes were perfectly-matched by a well-shaped nose and delicate lips. She had a fair, flawless complexion. Her hair, which was tied into a ponytail, had a central-parting fringe. Though looking plain on the whole, she exuded the nurturing kindness that forms the core of the female nature.

When I saw her for the first time, I could not believe my eyes.I was attending a four-day teaching workshop with her. I was late for the course and found an empty seat beside her.When she turned her face in my direction and said hi, I was stunned. The woman who had frequently appeared in my dreams was now sitting less than a meter away from me. Why? was our meeting a predestined one? She was even clothed in the same crushed flower dress as she was in my dreams. For a moment I was lost in her smiling eyes.I could feel the world become still and quiet between us.There were only the two of us in the room. No, it was not even a room but a field peppered with sprays of flowers.We were on a path overhung with trees. Light checkered with shade around us. Birds' chirping was in the air.What was happening? Was I dreaming again? A warm, mellow sensation which had been alien to me was now pulsating through my whole being.Was it love? I was not sure.

I quickly collected myself and returned her greeting. She introduced herself as Brenda, a teacher teaching in a rural school. I told her in an awkward voice that I was happy to meet her. She looked very young. I was at least twelve years older than she was.

I observed the young girl on the sly throughout the course.In one activity each of us was told to write down our favourite hobbies and the places we would like to go on vacation on a piece of paper. I peeped at what she wrote and was surprised to see that the information on her paper was the same as mine. Our hobbies were reading, drawing and daydreaming while the places we would like to go on vacation were Brunei and China. However, I quickly changed the details on my paper. We would exchange our papers in the sharing session and I did not want her to perceive the coincidence wrongly as my attempt to make advances to her.

During the sharing session, I asked the girl why she preferred spending her holidays in Brunei. With a beaming face, she told me that her mother is a Bruneian and that most of her favourite cousins are in Brunei. When she asked me why I liked holidaying in Bhutan, I told her that it was mysterious. But she did not know that my mother is also a Bruneian and that most of my cousins are in Brunei.

Brenda is a sociable girl. She could get along well with anyone during the course. Her character is a stark contrast to mine. Feeling awkward in a crowd, I always find a reason to disengage myself from a conversation.

Brenda speaks English rather well. She could present her ideas lucidly and smoothly during the workshop. Different from Brenda, I am not fluent in English. I have been too careful with my grammar accuracy. I paused and stumbled a lot during my individual presentation.Many words eluded me when I panicked. Brenda was one of the few teachers who supplied me with the needed vocabulary.

Brenda thrilled many fellow-participants with her drawing ability.Like me, she draws cartoons very well. She is an attentive listener too. During the course she listened to everyone's idea well and responded to different views with tact. Some participants treated my ideas with flippancy and I sulked throughout the course.

Brenda and I are people of two different worlds. She is so good and I am so bad!

Admittedly, Brenda has poked some holes in my walls of reserve. Now, my life is like a flower which is slowly unfolding itself in a perfection of puffs, folds and eddying shapes. I am interested to find out more about her. She is a mirage which has materialized into a reality. Is she my destiny?

I wonder if I have a chance to see her again. I did not ask for her contact number when the course ended. I was too shy and afraid.

Anyway, I think I can cope with my own life without her. I am too used to being alone.