The Girl I Loved

She was my classmate at SRB. Chung Hua Pujut. A paragon of a good student - studious, helpful, and good at studies.

Compared to Ling Su Ling, I was a total disaster.  Being small and girlish, I constantly became the subject of bullying. Whenever someone pulled up the shirtfront of my uniform with both hands, the whole class would roar with laughter at my supposed breasts and I would try without success to hit the bigger tormentor with my small fists.  

One rainy day in Primary Six, Su Ling asked a boy to stop this antic and my young heart yielded to her immediately. From then onwards, watching her talk, read and answer questions on the sly was a joy.  My heart would skip a beat when she smiled or looked at me.  We seldom talked to each other but deep down I knew she would be by my side if I was in trouble.

One recess, Su Ling came up to me and asked why I did not want to buy a reference book as recommended by our Malay Language teacher.  Touching the tip of my nose in embarrassment, I said, "My parents told me not to buy the book."

"Why?" Su Ling asked, "It contains a lot of information on our exams."

"We don't have enough money," I stuttered. "My parents have spent too much on the repairs of our car."

"No wonder you always spend nothing during recess,' said Su Ling, 'What if I lend you RM8.00? You can use it to pay for that book.' 

"No, thanks," I muffled in a state of panic. "My parents won't be happy about that."

Su Ling's readiness in lending me money had confirmed the fact that she had been caring for me all along. My love for her quadrupled that day.

The first time I cracked into the top ten positions in my class, Su Ling gave me a wink, and a thumbs up.  I was half-drunk with happiness and kept relishing the image in my mind.

I mentioned Su Ling so many times in my speech that my siblings called Su Ling my 'girlfriend'.

The day Su Ling was bullied, I blamed myself for failing to do anything. I did not even have the courage to stop the bully, who scissored the gate of a house she had painted in an art lesson. Her teary face kept appearing in my mind and I was angry with myself one whole day.  Every time I looked at the trouble-maker, I felt like hitting him in the nose, and wringing his fingers off their sockets.  But he was so much taller than me. I stood no chance against him. The hell with my cowardice.

Because of my parents' frugal habits, I wore bigger shirts and shoes to accommodate my growth spurt. They were an encumbrance when I ran, slowing down my pace and  making me  bring up the rear in running all the time. Everyone treated me with contempt, calling me Slow Missy. One day, I decided to change everything in the final PE lesson. 

'Nobody will laugh at me that very day,' I promised myself. 'I will let my friends know that I can run like anyone.' 

One week prior to redeeming my dignity I practised running around my house compound without fail.  In addition to that I took up rope skipping to improve my stamina.  When the day with the final PE lesson rolled around, I surprised everyone with my decision to run barefoot, as I had been known as a sissy who was afraid of getting dirty. At the blow of a whistle, I sprinted as fast as I could along the marked track in the football field and overtook one student after another. In the first round I was leading and nothing could describe my exhilaration. However, I pushed myself too hard and midway into the third round I slowed down, completely out of breath.

'God,' I gasped inwardly to myself. 'Why are you doing this to me?'

More and more students gained up upon me, throwing me a mocking look as they moved past me. I tried to rally my strength but my throbbing side kept slowing me down, relegating me to the straggling group. Disappointed, I was on the verge of giving up when out of expectation I heard Su Ling, who had completed her run with the girls sometime ago, cheering loudly for me with some of her close friends. In that very instant my determination grew back in intensity and I could feel wave after wave of second wind suffuse my body.

By this time many boys ahead of me had flagged and I had taken the opportunity to resume my overtaking. Soon I was  among the first few making for the finishing line and Su Ling's cheering kept my courage burning.  But a hand pushed me from behind and I fell down on all fours.  Pain raking through my body, I was unable to get up.

'Sin Yee, get up,' Su Ling cried. 'You can do it!"

Gritting my teeth, I got up amidst all pain and finally crossed the finishing line, settling in eleventh place.

Mr Tsu, our teacher, praised me for my courage in completing the run.  I was no longer the slowest runner in class. I owed everything to Su Ling, the girl I loved and cared for.

I had been expecting Su Ling to be my classmate in Form One. But a friend told me that she had moved to Bintulu.  I was smarting from the loss for  a long time before submitting to fate.

Thirty-three years have passed,and now I am a teacher. During a recent reunion someone told me that Su Ling had migrated to the United States after having lived in Bintulu for a few years.

'She's single like you, Sin Yee,' he told me. 'I remember once you were close to her.'

I tried to appear impassive, but the tremor in my voice almost betrayed me as I said, 'was I?'

In one of my most recent art lessons, I painted the picture of a young girl randomly picked from Google Images. When applying the last finishing touch, I realized that it bore a striking resemblance to Su Ling - her bob hair, her slanted eyes, her button nose and her small, delicate lips. 

Had my subconscious mind led me to the picture?

Su Ling, wherever you are. Remember that I once loved you, and that you had inspired me to step up for my life.