Suicide

“I am going to end my life tomorrow,” said Ah Lan to herself. “I have had enough.”

                The forty year old woman woke up early as usual, making her children’s favourite pancakes. The delicious aroma of sizzling pancakes took the edge off the three kids’ sleepiness.   Making pancakes was Ah Lan’s specialty. She could achieve a perfect ratio of milk and flour without measuring them.

                When the last pancake was crispy brown on both sides, Ah Lan put it on top of other cooked pancakes on a platter and spoke to her eldest daughter Ah Hui, "Carry these pancakes to the table."
                "Yes, Mama."

                “Put six pancakes on Papa’s plate,” instructed Ah Lan, while handing a tong to Ah Hui. “Four on each of your plates and two on mine.”

                The ten-year-old Ah Hui obediently did what was told. Robert, Ah Lan’s husband took two in his large hand and slathered thick butter on top of the stack.  He chomped down on the pancakes with wolfish voraciousness.  The butter melted and trickled from the corner of his mouth. Ah Lan gave an inward sigh. Robert’s table manners were still bad.   Firm in her decision to commit suicide, she found chiding him pointless.  She had reminded him far too many times of the importance of eating politely in front of their children.  She had a deep grudge against Robert.  If she had not married him, she could have fared much better in life in her hometown Seria, earning a stable pay as a supervisor in Commissariat Retail Shop or working as a respected dental nurse in the government hospital.  

                “Mama, may I have jam for my pancakes?”asked Tai Tai, the second child of Ah Lan and Robert. He was a plump boy who took after his father’s body size.

                “Mama, I want jam too,” said Weng Weng, the youngest son.

                “We run out of jam,” said Ah Lan, in a flat voice.”Use condensed milk then.”

                “Condensed milk is more suitable for tea,”said Ah Hui.”I’ll settle for butter.”

              Ah Lan looked at them with blankness In her mind. She could not bring herself to eat the two pancakes on her plate. Ah Hui, Tai Tai and Weng Weng all ate with relish like their father.

                “Lan,” Robert said. “Guess what I dreamt last night?”

                “What was it?”asked Ah Lan, with little interest.

                “I dreamt that a woman was trying to commit suicide, crying sadly by the sea.”

                The fork in Ah Lan’s hand almost dropped. Taking a deep breath, Ah Lan said, “What do you think it means?”

                “It could be a good omen, who knows?”said Robert, wiping the grease off his lips with a piece of tissue paper.

                Ah Lan forced out a faint chuckle, trying to look amused.

                “Can you interpret the dream into a four digit number for me?”asked Robert. “We may have a chance to hit the jackpot.”

                Ah Lan sneered at the suggestion in her mind. How crazy it was to ask a person who was going to commit suicide like herself to do that.  She nevertheless nodded.

                After eating, Robert looked around and noticed that Tai Tai was still munching on a pancake. There were still two pancakes on his plate.  Ah Hui and Weng Weng had just finished theirs.

                Robert took Tai Tai’s plate all of a sudden and put the remaining pancakes on Weng Weng’s plate.

                “Why, Papa?” Tai Tai protested.”I haven’t finished eating!”

                “You are so much bigger than Weng Weng,”said Robert. “Let your brother have more.”

                Weng Weng’s face beamed at the sight of the two pancakes on his plate. Tai Tai looked grudgingly at his brother.

                “Papa,”hissed Tai Tai.”You are being unfair.”

                “You may have mine, Tai Tai,”said Ah Lan.

                “No, I want mine back!”insisted Tai Tai.

                Robert’s face darkened and he asked Tai Tai to shut up.  Weng Weng cocked a snook at his fuming brother.

                Tai Tai stood up and threw his plate at Weng Weng.  The little boy ducked and the plate crashed to the floor.

                “My goodness!” gasped Ah Lan, and so did Ah Hui.

                “Delinquent son!” Robert banged the table with his hand. He went round the table to where Tai Tai was sitting and gave him a slap.

                “Don’t, Robert…” Ah Lan was too late to stop him.  Why did Tai Tai make Robert angry all the time?  Why should Robert overreact like this?

                Covering his throbbing cheek with one hand, Tai Tai stormed into the family’s bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

                “A good-for-nothing boy,” shouted Robert, his face flushed with anger. “How come I have a son like him?”

                Ah Lan’s face turned pale. Was Robert blaming her? He never seemed to like the middle child.  She had given birth to Tai Tai several weeks after their bankruptcy.  To settle their debts, they had sold off their shop and house.  The present house that roofed them over was a rented one.  Robert had spent so much time wallowing in self pity that he gave less attention to Tai Tai.  To rebuild their life, they had decided to make and sell steamed buns. They did not make much profit from the business but sometimes it would be unbelievably good.  The birth of Weng Weng had coincided with the time when Robert became less moody.  Hence, he tended to dote on the youngest child.  He also loved Ah Hui deeply because the later was mature for her age and was obedient.  Poor Tai Tai, he always found himself unloved by the father. With a temper as bad as Robert’s, the two were always at odds with each other.

Ah Lan snapped out of her reverie when Robert asked Ah Hui and Weng Weng to get into his rickety car.

“Hurry!” barked Robert.”Or else you will be late for school.”

“What about Tai Tai?” asked Ah Lan.

“No,”Robert said, nodding his head.”I don’t want to take him. The sight of him makes me unable to drive well.”

‘As what I told you last night, we are not making bao today,” added Robert.”I will only be back this evening. I am going to send our car for repairs after taking the kids to school.”

With that, Robert took the two kids to school in his car.  The bedroom’s door flung open at the sound of the roaring engine.  Tai Tai dashed out of the room, shouting through sobs, “I want to go to school! Don’t leave me behind!”

                Ah Lan hugged the crying boy and calmed him down with soothing words. A drama like this happened like a routine in the family and Ah Lan was fed up of it.  When Tai Tai cried no more, Ah Lan told him to sleep in a gentle voice. The moment the child snored in his bed, Ah lan heaved a sigh of relief and swept the broken plate into a dust pan. After that, she gave her uneaten pancakes to O Bu Kau, a black dog that she had reared for six years and washed the dishes in the sink. Then, she sat on the only settee in the house and read the latest issue of the Australian Women’s Weekly.  It had been her favourite magazine since her student days in St. Michael. She was one of the few wives in the neighbourhood who could speak, read and write in English.  Robert, in contrast, spoke no English and always became the subject of contempt among her father and her younger siblings. They had opposed Ah Lan marrying him and had been spitefully sarcastic towards her after her marriage.  Due to unstable income from the sale of steamed buns, Ah Lan had to always go back to Brunei borrowing money from them.  Every time they passed her the requested sum of money, Ah Lan would try to her best to ignore their cold, mocking look.  She had no dignity in front of them.  In their eyes, she was as lowly as her Malaysian husband.  They were too superior and conceited to offer her a shoulder to cry on.

                The streaming sun dappled Ah Lan’s body through the latticed window. Ah Lan was inadvertently lulled to sleep by the quietness around her.

                “Ah Lan, think carefully before you kill yourself,” a familiar voice spoke to her.               

                Ah Lan opened her eyes and saw her Dusun mother.  She was dressed in a white kebaya.

                “Mak,” Ah Lan exclaimed in Malay.”I’ve been longing to see you.”

                Ah Lan’s mother had passed away nine years ago, two hours after she had given birth to Tai Tai.

                “Be brave,” said Ah Lan’s mother, in a somber voice. “Your family still needs you.”

                “I am tired of everything, Mak,” lamented  Ah Lan. “Robert’s business is shaky. I have pawned almost all the jewellery that you gave me. There are always quarrels in my house. Bapa and Adik all look down on me.”

                Ah Lan’s mother smiled and said, “Be patient, God will reward you some day.”

                Ah Lan burst into tears and said, “No, I can’t.  I want to be with you.”

                She wanted to clutch at her mother’s sleeve but a heavy languidness spread all over her body. Her hand dropped to the arm of the settee. Her mother started turning blur before her.

                “Don’t go, Mak,” pleaded Ah Lan. “Take me with you.”

                “Be strong, Ah Lan,” said her mother. “Your children are your life. If you kill yourself, you kill them too.”

                Ah Lan heard the roll of thunder and her mother disappeared.

                “Mak, Mak!” Ah Lan woke up with a start on the settee.  She had been dreaming.

                Ah Lan wiped tears off her face. Her mother’s words were still fresh in her ears. Yes, her children are her life. “But they would be alright without me,” Ah Lan thought. “I have had enough. Robert will take care of them.” All she wanted to do was to die and join her mother.  She did not want to live in stress again. 

                Ah Lan got off the settee and took her handbag.  She wanted to take a bus to the beach which was not far from the neighbourhood.  She would walk deeper and deeper into the sea and let the water drown her.  Her pain would be gone forever.  Robert and her children would be sad for a certain period of time but they would forget her as years went by.

                Ah Lan was making her way to the door when she saw Tai Tai sitting on the door sill.  When did he wake up and creep to the door? The sight of him made her hem and haw. Should she go to the beach or not?

                As she was mentally grappling with her decision, Tai Tai opened his mouth and sang a Chinese song:

                “Let us join our hands and form a circle

                Make it as round and wide as can be

                With our love and trust for one another

                No matter what happens

                We are a family

                As long as we keep the circle round

We won’t be feeling lonely.”

                Like a knife, the words pierced through Ah Lan’s heart.  She shook her head, trying to ignore her gnawing conscience.  Stooping down, she tapped on Tai Tai’s shoulder and said, “Tai, Let Mama pass, Mama wants to go out.”

                Tai Tai rose and stepped aside, letting Ah Lan pass. “Where are you going, Mama?”

                “I’m going to town, you stay at home quietly,” said Ah Lan.

                “I want to go with you.”

                “No, Tai,” Ah Lan said. “Mama has some important thing to do.”

                “Ma…..”

                “Be a good boy,” Ah Lan said. “I won’t be long.”

                Tai Tai nodded and stopped pestering his mother.  Ah Lan stepped into the glare of the 10 o'clock sun and walked in the direction of the gate.

                Tai Tai sang the same song again. Ah Lan quickened her pace but his childish voice kept following her.

                Tears blurred Ah Lan’s vision.  And strong emotions raked through her slender body.

                “We are a family,

                 As long as we keep the circle round

We won’t be feeling lonely.”

                Ah Lan could not walk further any more. She turned round and rushed back home.  Tai Tai was shocked when Ah Lan pulled him into her arms. With tears rolling down her cheeks, Ah Lan said, “Yes, Tai Tai, we are a family. I will never leave your Papa, your sister, your brother and you again!”

                                                                              The End