Suicide(Edited)
“I am going to end my life tomorrow,” said Ah Lien to herself,
something she had been thinking about for weeks as she gazed at her
sleeping husband. “I have had enough.”
The thirty five year old woman woke up early as usual, making her children’s favourite pancakes. The delicious aroma of sizzling pancakes took the edge off the three kids’ sleepiness. Making pancakes was Ah Lien’s specialty. She could achieve a perfect ratio of milk and flour without measuring them.
When the last pancake was crispy brown on both sides, Ah Lien put it on top of other cooked pancakes on a platter. She told her eldest daughter Ah Ping, “Carry these pancakes to the table.”
“Yes, Mama.”
“Put six pancakes on Papa’s plate,” instructed Ah Lien, while handing a tong to Ah Ping. “Four on each of your plates and two on mine.”
The ten-year-old Ah Ping obediently did what was told. Kai Tak, Ah Lien’s husband took two in his large hand and slathered thick butter on top of the stack. He chomped down on the pancakes with wolfish voraciousness. The butter melted and trickled from the corner of his mouth. Ah Lien gave an inward sigh. Kai Tak’s table manners were still appalling, one of the deep grudges she had against him. Firm in her decision to commit suicide, she found chiding him pointless. Over the years she had reminded him far too many times of the importance of eating politely before their children. If she had not married him, she could have fared much better in life in Kuching, earning a stable pay as a supervisor in Ngiukee Supermarket or working as a respected dental nurse in the government hospital.
“Mama, may I have jam for my pancakes?” asked Ah Fei, the second son, a plump boy who took after his father’s body size.
“Mama, I want jam too,” said Ah Ming, the youngest son.
“We run out of jam,” said Ah Lien, in a flat voice. “Use condensed milk then.” “Condensed milk is more suitable for tea,” said Ah Ping.”I’ll settle for butter.”
Ah Lien looked at them with blankness in her mind. She could not bring herself to eat the two pancakes on her plate. Ah Ping, Ah Fei and Ah Ming all ate with relish like their father.
“Lien,” Kai Tak said. “Guess what I dreamt last night?”
Ah Lien looked at him with little interest.
“I dreamt that a woman was crying sadly by the sea, trying to commit suicide.” The fork in Ah Lan’s hand almost dropped. Taking a deep breath, Ah Lan hesitantly asked, “What do you think it means?”
“It could be a good omen, who knows?”said Kai Tak, wiping the grease off his lips with a piece of tissue paper as he contrived to gaze at her.
Ah Lien forced out a faint chuckle, as she tried to look amused.
“Can you interpret the dream into a four digit number for me?” asked Kai Tak. “Maybe our luck will finally change.”
Ah Lien sneered at the suggestion in her mind though she tried to hide her reaction from Kai Tak. How crazy it was to ask a person who was going to commit suicide to do something like that for him. Nevertheless, out of habit, she nodded.
After eating, Kai Tak looked around and noticed that Ah Fei was still munching on a pancake. There were still two pancakes on his plate. Ah Ping and Ah Ming had just finished theirs.
Kai Tak took Ah Fei’s plate all of a sudden and put the remaining pancakes on Ah Ming’s plate.
“Why, Papa?” Ah Fei protested. “I haven’t finished eating!”
“You are so much bigger than Ah Ming,” said Kai Tak. “Let your brother have more.” Ah Ming’s face beamed at the sight of the two pancakes on his plate. Ah Fei looked grudgingly at his brother.
“Papa,” hissed Ah Fei.”You are being unfair.”
“You may have mine, Ah Fei,” said Ah Lien.
“No, I want mine back!” insisted Ah Fei.
Kai Tak’s face darkened. He asked Ah Fei to shut up.
Ah Ming cocked a snook at his fuming brother.
Ah Fei stood up and threw his empty plate at Ah Ming. The little boy ducked and the plate crashed to the floor.
“My goodness!” gasped Ah Lien. Ah Ping gasped too.
“Delinquent son!” Kai Tak banged the table with his hand. He went round the table to where Ah Fei was sitting.
SLAPPPPPPPPPP!
“Don’t, Kai Tak…” Ah Lien was too late to stop him from slapping Ah Fei. She shook her head. Why did Kai Tak overreact like this? He started it by taking Ah Fei’s pancakes.
Covering his throbbing cheek with one hand, Ah Fei stormed into the family’s bedroom and slammed the door behind him.
“A good-for-nothing boy,” shouted Kai Tak, his face flushed with anger. “How come I have a son like him?”
Ah Lien’s face turned pale. Was Kai Tak blaming her? He never seemed to like the middle child. She knew why, too. She had given birth to Ah Fei several weeks after their bankruptcy. To settle their debts, they had sold off their shop and house. The present house that roofed them was a rented one. Kai Tak had spent so much time wallowing in self pity that he gave less attention to Ah Fei. To rebuild their life, they had decided to sell ‘Kolok Mee’. They did not make much profit from the business so life was always a struggle for them. The birth of Ah Ming had coincided with the time when Kai Tak became less moody. Hence, he tended to dote on the youngest child. Ah Ping was also an apple in his eyes because the precocious girl was obedient. Poor Ah Fei, he always found himself unloved by the father. With a temper as bad as Kai Tak’s, the two were always at odds with each other.
Ah Lien snapped out of her reverie when Kai Tak asked Ah Ping and Ah Ming to get into his rickety car.
“Hurry!” barked Kai Tak. “Or else you will be late for school.”
“What about Ah Fei?” asked Ah Lien.
“No,”Kai Tak said, shaking his head.”I don’t want to take him. The sight of him makes me unable to drive well.”
Ah Lien did not know what to say. It went against her plan, too. “I will only be back this evening,” added Kai Tak. “I am going to send our car for repairs after taking the kids to school.” With that, Kai Tak took the two kids to school in his car. The bedroom’s door flung open at the sound of the roaring engine. Ah Fei dashed out of the room, shouting through sobs, “I want to go to school! Don’t leave me behind!”
Ah Lan hugged the crying boy and calmed him down with soothing words. Dramas like this were becoming routine and Ah Lien was fed up, one of her reasons for taking her own life, enough was enough.
When Ah Fei cried no more, Ah Lien told him to sleep in a gentle voice. The moment the child snored in his bed, Ah Lien heaved a sigh of relief and swept the broken plate into a dust pan. After that, she gave her uneaten pancakes to O Bu Kau, a black dog that she had reared for six years, and washed the dishes in the sink. Then, she sat on the only settee in the house and read the latest issue of the Australian Women’s Weekly. It had been her favourite magazine since her student days in St. Mary. She was one of the few wives in the neighbourhood who could speak, read and write in English. Kai Tak, in contrast, spoke no English and always became the subject of contempt among her younger siblings and especially her father. They had strongly opposed Ah Lien marrying him and had been spitefully sarcastic towards her after her marriage. Due to unstable income from the sale of noodles, Ah Lien always went back to Kuching to borrow money from them. Each time they passed her the requested sum of money, Ah Lien would try her best to ignore their cold, mocking look. She had no dignity in front of them. In their eyes, she was as lowly as her Mirian husband.
The streaming sun dappled Ah Lien’s body through the latticed window. Ah Lien was inadvertently lulled to sleep by the quietness around her.
“Ah Lien, think carefully before you kill yourself,” a familiar voice spoke to her.
Ah Lien opened her eyes and saw her Bidayuh mother. She was dressed in a white kebaya.
“Mak,” Ah Lien exclaimed in English.”I’ve been longing to see you.”
Ah Lien’s mother had passed away nine years ago, two hours after Ah Lien had given birth to Ah Fei.
“Be brave,” said Ah Lien’s mother, in a somber voice. “Your family still needs you.”
“I am tired of everything, Mak,” lamented Ah Lien. “There are always quarrels in my house. Kai Tak’s business is shaky. I have pawned almost all the jewellery that you gave me. Papa and Adik all look down on me.”
Ah Lien’s mother smiled and said, “Be patient, God will reward you some day.” Ah Lien burst into tears and said, “No, I can’t. I want to be with you.”
She wanted to clutch at her mother’s sleeve but a heavy languidness spread all over her body. Her hand dropped to the arm of the settee. Her mother‘s image began to fade.
“Don’t go, Mak,” pleaded Ah Lien. “Take me with you.”
“Be strong, Ah Lien,” said her mother. “Your children are your life. If you kill yourself, you kill them too.”
Ah Lien heard the roll of thunder and her mother disappeared.
“Mak, Mak!” Ah Lien woke up with a start on the settee. She had been dreaming.
Ah Lien wiped tears off her face. Her mother’s words were still fresh in her ears. Yes, her children are her life. “But I have had enough. They will be alright without me,” Ah Lien thought. “Kai Tak will take care of them.” All she wanted to do was to die and join her mother. She did not want to live in stress any more.
Ah Lien got off the settee and took some One Ringgit coins from her handbag. She wanted to walk to the beach which was not far from the neighbourhood. She would walk deeper and deeper into the sea and let the water take her life away. Her pain would be gone forever. Kai Tak and her children would be sad for a while but they would forget her as years went by.
Ah Lien was making her way to the door when she saw Ah Fei sitting on the door sill. When did he wake up and creep to the door? The sight of him made her reconsider. She paced back and forth, hemming and hawing. Should she go to the beach or not?
As she grappled with her decision, Ah Fei opened his mouth and sang a Chinese song:
“Let us join our hands and form a circle
Make it as round and wide as can be
With our love and trust for one another
No matter what happens
We are a family
As long as we keep the circle round Nothing can separate us.”
Like a knife, the words pierced through Ah Lien’s heart. She shook her head and tried to ignore her gnawing conscience. Stooping down, she tapped on Ah Fei’s shoulder and said, “Fei, Let Mama pass, Mama wants to go out.”
Ah Fei rose and stepped aside, letting Ah Lien pass. “Where are you going, Mama?”
“I’m going to town, you stay at home quietly,” said Ah Lien.
“I want to go with you.”
“No, Fei, “ Ah Lien said. “Mama has something important to do.”
“Ma…..”
“Be a good boy,” Ah Lien said. “I won’t be long.”
Ah Fei nodded and stopped pestering his mother. But then he asked, “Where is your purse?”
“I won’t be needing it,” she replied absently.
Ah Lien stepped into the glare of the 10 o’clock sun and walked in the direction of the gate.
Ah Fei sang the same song again. Ah Lien quickened her pace but his childish voice kept following her.
Tears blurred Ah Lien’s vision. Strong, mixed emotions raked through her slender body.
“We are a family,
As long as we keep the circle round
Nothing can separate us.”
Ah Lan shut her ears with both hands and walked through the open gate. With her mind reeling with confusion, she did not know when she reached the beach. She sat on a log and broke down in tears. She remembered Kai Tak’s dream and pondered its meaning. Again she thought of her mother’s advice and what Ah Fei had sung. Her resoluteness to commit suicide finally crumbled. As she turned round to leave, she noticed a broken license plate lying at the edge of the sand. The four numbers, 1992, were the year her mother had died, and the year she had given birth to Ah Fei. Again she thought about Kai Tak’s dream and his request to interpret it for him. She always hated his gambling and wasting the money on four digit lottery.
On her long way back home, she passed the four digit shop that was always crowded by people. She paused and went inside. She did not know why but she wrote ‘1992’ down twice on a piece of paper, one in order and the other in reverse order, just in case. If she won, she would not tell Kai Tak. The money would be for her, for her children and perhaps to buy back some of the jewellery she had pawned.
When Ah Lien returned home, weary and in tears, Ah Fei called out to her happily at the door. Overwhelmed by cathartic joy, she pulled Ah Fei into her arms and said, “Yes, Ah Fei. No matter what happens tomorrow, we are a family.” The End
The thirty five year old woman woke up early as usual, making her children’s favourite pancakes. The delicious aroma of sizzling pancakes took the edge off the three kids’ sleepiness. Making pancakes was Ah Lien’s specialty. She could achieve a perfect ratio of milk and flour without measuring them.
When the last pancake was crispy brown on both sides, Ah Lien put it on top of other cooked pancakes on a platter. She told her eldest daughter Ah Ping, “Carry these pancakes to the table.”
“Yes, Mama.”
“Put six pancakes on Papa’s plate,” instructed Ah Lien, while handing a tong to Ah Ping. “Four on each of your plates and two on mine.”
The ten-year-old Ah Ping obediently did what was told. Kai Tak, Ah Lien’s husband took two in his large hand and slathered thick butter on top of the stack. He chomped down on the pancakes with wolfish voraciousness. The butter melted and trickled from the corner of his mouth. Ah Lien gave an inward sigh. Kai Tak’s table manners were still appalling, one of the deep grudges she had against him. Firm in her decision to commit suicide, she found chiding him pointless. Over the years she had reminded him far too many times of the importance of eating politely before their children. If she had not married him, she could have fared much better in life in Kuching, earning a stable pay as a supervisor in Ngiukee Supermarket or working as a respected dental nurse in the government hospital.
“Mama, may I have jam for my pancakes?” asked Ah Fei, the second son, a plump boy who took after his father’s body size.
“Mama, I want jam too,” said Ah Ming, the youngest son.
“We run out of jam,” said Ah Lien, in a flat voice. “Use condensed milk then.” “Condensed milk is more suitable for tea,” said Ah Ping.”I’ll settle for butter.”
Ah Lien looked at them with blankness in her mind. She could not bring herself to eat the two pancakes on her plate. Ah Ping, Ah Fei and Ah Ming all ate with relish like their father.
“Lien,” Kai Tak said. “Guess what I dreamt last night?”
Ah Lien looked at him with little interest.
“I dreamt that a woman was crying sadly by the sea, trying to commit suicide.” The fork in Ah Lan’s hand almost dropped. Taking a deep breath, Ah Lan hesitantly asked, “What do you think it means?”
“It could be a good omen, who knows?”said Kai Tak, wiping the grease off his lips with a piece of tissue paper as he contrived to gaze at her.
Ah Lien forced out a faint chuckle, as she tried to look amused.
“Can you interpret the dream into a four digit number for me?” asked Kai Tak. “Maybe our luck will finally change.”
Ah Lien sneered at the suggestion in her mind though she tried to hide her reaction from Kai Tak. How crazy it was to ask a person who was going to commit suicide to do something like that for him. Nevertheless, out of habit, she nodded.
After eating, Kai Tak looked around and noticed that Ah Fei was still munching on a pancake. There were still two pancakes on his plate. Ah Ping and Ah Ming had just finished theirs.
Kai Tak took Ah Fei’s plate all of a sudden and put the remaining pancakes on Ah Ming’s plate.
“Why, Papa?” Ah Fei protested. “I haven’t finished eating!”
“You are so much bigger than Ah Ming,” said Kai Tak. “Let your brother have more.” Ah Ming’s face beamed at the sight of the two pancakes on his plate. Ah Fei looked grudgingly at his brother.
“Papa,” hissed Ah Fei.”You are being unfair.”
“You may have mine, Ah Fei,” said Ah Lien.
“No, I want mine back!” insisted Ah Fei.
Kai Tak’s face darkened. He asked Ah Fei to shut up.
Ah Ming cocked a snook at his fuming brother.
Ah Fei stood up and threw his empty plate at Ah Ming. The little boy ducked and the plate crashed to the floor.
“My goodness!” gasped Ah Lien. Ah Ping gasped too.
“Delinquent son!” Kai Tak banged the table with his hand. He went round the table to where Ah Fei was sitting.
SLAPPPPPPPPPP!
“Don’t, Kai Tak…” Ah Lien was too late to stop him from slapping Ah Fei. She shook her head. Why did Kai Tak overreact like this? He started it by taking Ah Fei’s pancakes.
Covering his throbbing cheek with one hand, Ah Fei stormed into the family’s bedroom and slammed the door behind him.
“A good-for-nothing boy,” shouted Kai Tak, his face flushed with anger. “How come I have a son like him?”
Ah Lien’s face turned pale. Was Kai Tak blaming her? He never seemed to like the middle child. She knew why, too. She had given birth to Ah Fei several weeks after their bankruptcy. To settle their debts, they had sold off their shop and house. The present house that roofed them was a rented one. Kai Tak had spent so much time wallowing in self pity that he gave less attention to Ah Fei. To rebuild their life, they had decided to sell ‘Kolok Mee’. They did not make much profit from the business so life was always a struggle for them. The birth of Ah Ming had coincided with the time when Kai Tak became less moody. Hence, he tended to dote on the youngest child. Ah Ping was also an apple in his eyes because the precocious girl was obedient. Poor Ah Fei, he always found himself unloved by the father. With a temper as bad as Kai Tak’s, the two were always at odds with each other.
Ah Lien snapped out of her reverie when Kai Tak asked Ah Ping and Ah Ming to get into his rickety car.
“Hurry!” barked Kai Tak. “Or else you will be late for school.”
“What about Ah Fei?” asked Ah Lien.
“No,”Kai Tak said, shaking his head.”I don’t want to take him. The sight of him makes me unable to drive well.”
Ah Lien did not know what to say. It went against her plan, too. “I will only be back this evening,” added Kai Tak. “I am going to send our car for repairs after taking the kids to school.” With that, Kai Tak took the two kids to school in his car. The bedroom’s door flung open at the sound of the roaring engine. Ah Fei dashed out of the room, shouting through sobs, “I want to go to school! Don’t leave me behind!”
Ah Lan hugged the crying boy and calmed him down with soothing words. Dramas like this were becoming routine and Ah Lien was fed up, one of her reasons for taking her own life, enough was enough.
When Ah Fei cried no more, Ah Lien told him to sleep in a gentle voice. The moment the child snored in his bed, Ah Lien heaved a sigh of relief and swept the broken plate into a dust pan. After that, she gave her uneaten pancakes to O Bu Kau, a black dog that she had reared for six years, and washed the dishes in the sink. Then, she sat on the only settee in the house and read the latest issue of the Australian Women’s Weekly. It had been her favourite magazine since her student days in St. Mary. She was one of the few wives in the neighbourhood who could speak, read and write in English. Kai Tak, in contrast, spoke no English and always became the subject of contempt among her younger siblings and especially her father. They had strongly opposed Ah Lien marrying him and had been spitefully sarcastic towards her after her marriage. Due to unstable income from the sale of noodles, Ah Lien always went back to Kuching to borrow money from them. Each time they passed her the requested sum of money, Ah Lien would try her best to ignore their cold, mocking look. She had no dignity in front of them. In their eyes, she was as lowly as her Mirian husband.
The streaming sun dappled Ah Lien’s body through the latticed window. Ah Lien was inadvertently lulled to sleep by the quietness around her.
“Ah Lien, think carefully before you kill yourself,” a familiar voice spoke to her.
Ah Lien opened her eyes and saw her Bidayuh mother. She was dressed in a white kebaya.
“Mak,” Ah Lien exclaimed in English.”I’ve been longing to see you.”
Ah Lien’s mother had passed away nine years ago, two hours after Ah Lien had given birth to Ah Fei.
“Be brave,” said Ah Lien’s mother, in a somber voice. “Your family still needs you.”
“I am tired of everything, Mak,” lamented Ah Lien. “There are always quarrels in my house. Kai Tak’s business is shaky. I have pawned almost all the jewellery that you gave me. Papa and Adik all look down on me.”
Ah Lien’s mother smiled and said, “Be patient, God will reward you some day.” Ah Lien burst into tears and said, “No, I can’t. I want to be with you.”
She wanted to clutch at her mother’s sleeve but a heavy languidness spread all over her body. Her hand dropped to the arm of the settee. Her mother‘s image began to fade.
“Don’t go, Mak,” pleaded Ah Lien. “Take me with you.”
“Be strong, Ah Lien,” said her mother. “Your children are your life. If you kill yourself, you kill them too.”
Ah Lien heard the roll of thunder and her mother disappeared.
“Mak, Mak!” Ah Lien woke up with a start on the settee. She had been dreaming.
Ah Lien wiped tears off her face. Her mother’s words were still fresh in her ears. Yes, her children are her life. “But I have had enough. They will be alright without me,” Ah Lien thought. “Kai Tak will take care of them.” All she wanted to do was to die and join her mother. She did not want to live in stress any more.
Ah Lien got off the settee and took some One Ringgit coins from her handbag. She wanted to walk to the beach which was not far from the neighbourhood. She would walk deeper and deeper into the sea and let the water take her life away. Her pain would be gone forever. Kai Tak and her children would be sad for a while but they would forget her as years went by.
Ah Lien was making her way to the door when she saw Ah Fei sitting on the door sill. When did he wake up and creep to the door? The sight of him made her reconsider. She paced back and forth, hemming and hawing. Should she go to the beach or not?
As she grappled with her decision, Ah Fei opened his mouth and sang a Chinese song:
“Let us join our hands and form a circle
Make it as round and wide as can be
With our love and trust for one another
No matter what happens
We are a family
As long as we keep the circle round Nothing can separate us.”
Like a knife, the words pierced through Ah Lien’s heart. She shook her head and tried to ignore her gnawing conscience. Stooping down, she tapped on Ah Fei’s shoulder and said, “Fei, Let Mama pass, Mama wants to go out.”
Ah Fei rose and stepped aside, letting Ah Lien pass. “Where are you going, Mama?”
“I’m going to town, you stay at home quietly,” said Ah Lien.
“I want to go with you.”
“No, Fei, “ Ah Lien said. “Mama has something important to do.”
“Ma…..”
“Be a good boy,” Ah Lien said. “I won’t be long.”
Ah Fei nodded and stopped pestering his mother. But then he asked, “Where is your purse?”
“I won’t be needing it,” she replied absently.
Ah Lien stepped into the glare of the 10 o’clock sun and walked in the direction of the gate.
Ah Fei sang the same song again. Ah Lien quickened her pace but his childish voice kept following her.
Tears blurred Ah Lien’s vision. Strong, mixed emotions raked through her slender body.
“We are a family,
As long as we keep the circle round
Nothing can separate us.”
Ah Lan shut her ears with both hands and walked through the open gate. With her mind reeling with confusion, she did not know when she reached the beach. She sat on a log and broke down in tears. She remembered Kai Tak’s dream and pondered its meaning. Again she thought of her mother’s advice and what Ah Fei had sung. Her resoluteness to commit suicide finally crumbled. As she turned round to leave, she noticed a broken license plate lying at the edge of the sand. The four numbers, 1992, were the year her mother had died, and the year she had given birth to Ah Fei. Again she thought about Kai Tak’s dream and his request to interpret it for him. She always hated his gambling and wasting the money on four digit lottery.
On her long way back home, she passed the four digit shop that was always crowded by people. She paused and went inside. She did not know why but she wrote ‘1992’ down twice on a piece of paper, one in order and the other in reverse order, just in case. If she won, she would not tell Kai Tak. The money would be for her, for her children and perhaps to buy back some of the jewellery she had pawned.
When Ah Lien returned home, weary and in tears, Ah Fei called out to her happily at the door. Overwhelmed by cathartic joy, she pulled Ah Fei into her arms and said, “Yes, Ah Fei. No matter what happens tomorrow, we are a family.” The End
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