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Sometimes I don't feel like returning home.

Upon alighting on the nest, it is disheartening to see everyone so stressed.  Ah Hui is always complaining about the disorderliness of the house, her lament filling every corner, casting a pall of gloom in everyone's heart.  Mama, already eighty years old, is struggling hard to meet her benchmark of neatness, only to find that at the end of the day, her effort too little to please the forever grumbling daughter. Obviously, Ah Hui is bringing home her stress, demanding everyone to follow her order, in compensation for what she fails to get at her workplace.  She has not realised that, but I can tell that from her every action. A newly appointed leader, she finds herself being ostracised, having to deal with hostility from time to time.  Every minute, to her, is a battle. Even the slightest slack invites disasters. No wonder she is all uptight.  When others are on vacation, she is plattering away at her office, always planning ahead.

Poor Mama, everytime I see her, her shoulders stoop lower than before. Eversince father took ill, the burden of looking after him has all been on her. From dawn to dusk, she is seen cooking, mopping the floor, doing the laundry and feeding Papa his medications.  I know she has grown fed up with all that. Having to face a sickman on a daily basis is taxing enough, particularly for a sociable woman like mama. Gone are the days when she can chat, go shopping and play cards with friends. Papa fills every minute of her life, and she has no choice. Sometimes, when papa reminds her to cook for him, I am shocked to see her regard him with frigid coldness and a meal will be prepared in a half-hearted manner for him - sometimes tasteless and sometimes way too salty. But if I were Mama, would I be filled with the same emotions?  Frankly speaking, from the day they got married until now, papa has hardly filled her life with a sense of security. First, he went bankrupt, and she had to cope with his depression for a long time. And now he is down with ill health, and she has to attend to him from time to time, like a mother does a baby.  She can't go anywhere, and I have not seen her smile happily for a long time.

Papa is now a different person. He has become slow in speech and actions, always driving mama crazy with impatience.  His parkinson has taken a turn for the worse and he has forgotten many things. But deep down, I can still detect the same fatherly love and care in him. Sometimes, a flicker of tears can be seen in his eyes, for he must have been well-aware of the fact that he can no longer play the same role as he did before his collapse.  Everytime mama scolds him, there is a resigned look on his face. He submits to everything, and not a word of grumble can be heard from him.  He is an oasis of calm, and everytime I look at him, I find more of something within him fading away. He looks transparent to me at times. How long can he hold on? God, don't take him away from us too soon. I have yet to give him a comfortable life.

This Chinese New Year, I find my home disintegrating, but I know everyone is trying their best to strengthen the tenuous bond.  God, infuse us with love,and give us a heart of steel to cope with all the trials that threaten to tear us apart.

Comments

suituapui said…
My mum is in her late eighties, right now hospitalised and my dad is over 90 so someone has to be around all the time at their house to take care of him, including spending the nights there - me. It is so so so tiring juggling between the two places and doing things I would have to do in between. I am very very tired now.
February 20, 2017 at 10:52 PM
sintaicharles said…
My heart goes out to you, Arthur. May God give you more strength.
February 21, 2017 at 12:30 AM
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