Hills In My Heart

                             

I stopped at where the trail ended, inhaled the cool morning air and gazed into the distant sky.  Something was whispering in my heart, drawing me all the way here from the warmth of my bed.  The quietness surprised me, for I had never expected that a thirty minute-walk across the road from where I lived, lay a trail leading to a kingdom of trees untroubled by human activities, so dignified in its tranquility.  

The sky cleared up all of a sudden, unraveling a range of bluish hills among gold-tinted clouds in the distance.  I stood rooted to the spot, the sight totally holding me in thrall, dispelling my stress, infusing my body with wave after wave of invigorating sensations.  The beauty of the hills eclipsed even that of the forest itself,  making my eyes misty.  How meticulous God had been in preparing me for this moment.  The wind murmured in the trees around me and the tall reeds rippled from row to row in synchronization.  The rosiness of the early morning sunlight glinted off the surface of every leaf, giving them the transparent look of glass, unleashing the omnipotence of nature....Instantly, a thought came to me—the forest was the gilded frame for the marvelous sight of the distant hills, a gift from God!  

Since that very day, I had always made it a point to walk into the forest along the trail.  If the hills were hidden by clouds, I became fidgety and would feel restless throughout the day.  If God vouchsafed me the sight, I was filled with bliss and praised Him for everything, feeling energised throughout the remaining day.

Then one day I was transferred to the morning session, so, unlike before, I was unable to pay homage to the hills.  Teaching in the morning was stressful, as expectations were high. Every time I finished teaching and conducting extra-curricular activities, I was too tired to watch the hills in the forest.  The burdens of everyday life became increasingly heavy on my shoulders, suffocating and disorientating me.  I missed the sight of the hills, and was filled with loss each time I thought about them.  Overtime, the hills disappeared in the fog of my mind.  Often, I found myself  sleeping through the weekends or on the days I was not working, doing nothing to resume the ritual of watching the hills.  Weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and years gradually turned into a maelstrom of oblivion.

One drizzling morning, the hills resurfaced in my mind, and I hastily scurried in the direction of the forest, only to find that it had been leveled and sealed off.  Cranes, bulldozers, and skeletons of new houses were everywhere, blocking the usual spot where I could see the hills.  My heart tore into pieces.  The only tie with the hills I had been holding dear was cruelly severed.

On my way home my heart was heavy with sadness, as if tied to a sinking stone.  Back  at home in my bedroom, I stood facing the window and shut my eyes, trying to blank out my troubled mind, but the sight of the denuded forest kept replaying itself.  Shaking my head in frustration, I hurled myself on bed and buried my face in a pillow.  While grappling with the chaos in my mind, a small voice  rose within me:

"Although you can no longer see the hills, why don't you keep them in your heart, like how I take care of you day and night?"

 I jolted awake immediately.  Who was speaking to me? Was it God? A warm, wonderful sense of peace filled my entire body.  Sunlight filtered through the window and the Crucifixion on the wall seemed to be asking me to ponder on the words. I turned them over in my mind, and whispered them for so many times that a new realization crept up on me—never let what you see control your attitude towards life, but submit your wholeself to the redeeming word of God, which is ready to exist in your heart in the form of hills.  

God reveals His wisdom to us in many ways.  I totally misinterpreted His intention  from the get-go.  God had actually urged me to entrust my problems in Him but I let my worldly perception take the best of me, thus failing to grasp what was implied beyond the sight of the hills. Day in and day out, I drew short-lived happiness from the hills, doing nothing to solve my problems and improve my spiritual life, like a gentile seeking good luck from an idolatrous statue.  

With this illusion I went on with life assuming everything had been well taken care of.  The moment it crumbled, all of my optimism and hopes were dashed and I took a bad fall—

the outcome of not inviting the Lord to my heart.

 Lord, I am only a mere slip of a stone in the sand, easily broken and pulverized.  Submitting my wholeself to you avails me to your redemption, for you are an ever-loving Father, always welcoming me back to your arms, protecting me from harm, cleansing me from sins through your sacrifice on the cross.

Come, Lord, take your place in my heart.  You are the hills of my life, my fortress and my all.

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